9 weeks, 5 days.

September 11 (whoa, heavy date)

9w 5d

I’m not entirely sure that my 9th into 10th week of pregnancy was the best time to start a new role at work. My old job (which is technically still my job, I’ve just been temporarily loaned to another team to cover a peak period) was cruisey, I had it all worked out, if anything it was getting pretty fucking boring. Every moment of my day was scheduled for me, two 15 minute breaks, an hour of lunch, what my role was at any given moment, who was in charge of problem solving if it was beyond my reach; all of it. This job is more self directed, more complex and obviously since it’s brand new, just a big learning curve. So much to take in. So little knowledge of what I should be spending my time doing. No schedule structuring my day; just boundless trust that I will find something worth doing. Most significantly, however, it is so tiring to learn. It’s not quite 3pm and I had to raise my head off my desk to start writing this, or else I may have fallen asleep. Luckily, I’m working from home so no one can judge or chastise me, but I’m already a little apprehensive about how I’ll get through tomorrow in the office, stifling yawns as the learning takes so much of my already limited energy.

How much did I sleep last night? About 12 hours. Does it feel like enough? Not nearly.

I noticed this morning that my belly has hardened. It hasn’t changed shape or look yet, but if I press it, it feels less like the soft little pudge of fat that’s always protected my organs and more like… well, I guess, my hardening, growing organs. My uterus has apparently grown to twice its normal size and I’m impressed that that is not something you can see visually from the outside, but it’s something I can feel nonetheless. The baby can allegedly move already, which I find… unnerving. How can something be moving inside my fleshy being without me able to feel it? Or see it? Or in any way know that it’s there, apart from my supplementary side effects? I’ve increasingly started to refer to it as “the baby”, though, which is a nice milestone. I’m growing more comfortable with believing that it will stick around and actually become a member of our family, instead of hedging my bets emotionally, just in case. That being said, I wont be entirely comfortable with its permanence until well into my second trimester. That being said, I did buy a bunch of dresses that will serve me over the coming months of bodily expansion. Pregnancy is a roller coaster.